I’m apathetic about the dull routines, but I go through with them for the people I care for because they care for them.
(If you picture indifference to others as a given, imagine that indifference spilling over into other areas of life every once in a while.) At the end of it all the fact that while consumed with my perpetual day-long struggles against apathy and lethargy I still accomplish more than most people who work with-in relationships just makes me more driven to be alone, no matter how detrimental that is to my very being.
And it also makes me narcissistic in that I know to the core that I can sustain myself without need of anyone.
It’s very easy to misinterpret someone when they say that being friends or family or partners with you is a task for them, but this is how I feel about the daily requirements of relationships.
Sherlock Holmes (fictional high functioning sociopath) said he abhorred the dull routines of existence while I rather feel nothing at all, to the point of forgetting about the social requirement of social existence for months at times.
Unlike the sociopath or full-blown aspie I’m very much aware of the social cues around me and of my actions and place, socially, in regards to other people, but like the sociopath I’m not much seduced by relations and like the full-blown aspie I tend to care more about the work (about solving a problem, patterns, perfection, the art of it all, &c.) more than I do the people I’m working with.
In approaching my work and how I live I can best be described as partially sadomasochistic, partially narcissistic, and partially depressive.I’ve realized that my ability to be lenient when wronged and to withstand condemnation without fuss impresses that I’m a push over, but so be it, it’s better than the alternative of egging on an oppressor who revels in their oppression or of losing a friend or lover to confessions of not feeling all that directly affected by anything they’ve said or done.I inhabit a world where only I have direct emotional control of myself with the default state being one of emotionlessness (better put, affectlessness).(I’m drawn to great improv humour for its inherent quality of surprise.) I have to forcibly be part of the group and upkeep relationships, they’re not my natural inclinations.Having survived a genocide which was, although political, largely based in group mentality, I’m always slightly sickened the moment it rears its head. Schizoidness is like an enduring apathy, a perennial tepidness.