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But if you combine very mild punishment with much more attention to the positive behavior, that can help and not cause more escape and avoidance of you.

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In fact, she too is a victim — of all sorts of biological and psychological changes over which she has little control.

She is going through a rollercoaster of adolescence, and you are on the ride with her.

The tension puts everyone on edge; little issues are magnified and turn into arguments.

Her mother and father fight about what should be done (more and stronger punishment versus more and better understanding).

But punishment, from mild (brief timeout, brief loss of privilege) to more severe (reprimands, shouting, huge losses of privileges, hitting), is not likely to make any changes in their behavior or attitude in the short- or long-term.

In the case of adolescents, punishment may make the situation worse.Her parents feel helpless — they have tried reason and being more available to talk or help but this has had either no effect or has generated another dose of nastiness.Marisa routinely interacts with them as if they had the plague or leprosy, turning away dramatically at any effort to hug or kiss her.Probably loss of a privilege (TV, smartphone, tablet, going out) is the most reasonable approach with teenagers. More is not better or more effective and can lead to worse side effects (escape, avoidance, stronger emotional reactions).Punishment by itself will not make the changes you wish.That will increase the proportion of times in the home when there is reasonable and civil behavior. Specifically, go over to your adolescent immediately after some ordinary conversation or comment, and say quietly something like, “It is so nice to talk with you,” or “Thanks for talking so nicely.” If you can pat your teen, that nonverbal addition is great, but if your teen is avoiding you, just do a high-five or thumbs up in the air, as a gesture of approval.

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